Nothing
by Blue Glowing Thing
Summary: Fai is cold and distant, and Kurogane has lost himself ... Oneshot, KuroxFai. R&R!


**Hello! This is another Tsubasa fic… It was inspired by a roleplay that I'm doing with my friend, and I felt like I wanted to write it. It's angsty ... and sad. But I still like it! Let me know what you think! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tsubasa... uhm, duh. **

**Warnings: Yaoiness... and a very slight language warning. That's about it.**

* * *

It should have started off like any other day.

It should have, but it didn't. I woke with that strange, unexplainable feeling deep in my chest. A feeling of anticipation, of knowing that something was going to happen, whether it be good or bad. And it felt like it would be something big, though I had no idea what. I hadn't had a feeling like this in a long while, and somehow I could only tell myself that it would have to end badly. Nothing good could happen now, not with everything that we all had been through.

It was torture enough just to be alive now. Of course, I wanted more than anything to be six feet under, but no, that stupid bastard hadn't allowed me the one bit of peace that I had been praying for. No, he was too selfish for that. Who knew why he wanted me alive so badly? I certainly didn't. It was stupid, childish, and I hated him for it. But he knew that. Of course he did, that stupid ninja didn't have a skull hard enough to block my every cruel word. I could tell that much by his face, and the way that he would stare at me as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He deserved it. He deserved every word, every phrase, everything that I could hurl at his supposedly unbreakable exterior. And I wanted to break him. I wanted to shake him so hard that I could shatter his soul, and watch the pieces fall. Something inside of me thought that if I allowed that to happen, then maybe he would realize what he had done to me. And then maybe he could begin to feel sorry for what he had done, and beg for my forgiveness.

Despite myself, despite my deep rooted need for vengeance and my desperate wish for death, something inside told me that I was wrong. Something told me that I should forgive him. Forgive him … no, I could never forgive him. He took it away. I had finally gained the change to escape, and he took it away.

But that didn't explain why every time he looked at me with those red eyes, I felt myself breaking.

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Alcohol.

One word, three syllables, seven letters. The ultimate escape. Something to fall back onto, something that could be depended on. Something I always found myself turning to, no matter how much I wanted to turn away from it. But it didn't matter anymore, because there wasn't a reason to stop myself from drinking this much.

Since when should the fact that that stupid guy acts so different all of the sudden affect me? I never wanted to get close in the first place, so it shouldn't matter. It shouldn't, but it does. It matters more than anything in the world. And when this happens, I find myself getting the bottle, drinking until I can't even remember my own name, and the cycle never ends. It never stops, and for some reason no matter how much I drink I can never get it out of my mind. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm going insane.

Was it really so wrong to save his life? I don't know anymore. I don't think I want to know anymore.

It's time to stop thinking. It's time for another bottle. Cracking it open, the strong scent wafting up and working it's way into my brain, my body knows what's coming. It doesn't even seem to matter anymore that it's the morning. I drink when I need to.

Bottoms up.

----------------

He was drinking again.

I knew that he was. Everybody knew that he was. It was all that he ever did anymore, and frankly, it was pathetic. It was a pathetic attempt to drown his sorrow, or whatever he was feeling. But I didn't care, it was nothing compared to the way that he had made me feel. I had been too broken for too long, and I wasn't about to let myself feel sorry for him. He had brought this upon himself. He had caused everything himself, I had nothing to do with it.

All I wanted was to run. To escape, to get as far away from home as I possibly could and to continue running for as long as I needed. I didn't want to get close to anyone. I didn't even plan on meeting up with anyone else the day that I left. But I did, and now there wasn't anything that I could do about it.

It was his fault for trying to get closer to me. It was all his fault for trying to make me talk to him. It was his burden to bare, not mine.

I didn't ask for this.

------------------

Five bottles. It was a new record for me.

I had never allowed myself to go past three, knowing full well that that many was enough. But now, it didn't matter anymore. After I had started I couldn't stop, and the next thing I knew I was falling on the ground with a heavy thud, the back of my head colliding with the wall. I wasn't one to get so drunk that I couldn't hold myself up, but there's a first time for everything, isn't there?

I didn't feel the pain. I didn't feel anything.

It was strange. I should have at least felt the impact of the fall, but I didn't. I was numb. Completely and totally numb. And for some reason, I liked it that way. It was better not to feel the cracks that were steadily appearing in my soul.

Maybe drinking wasn't going to help me this time.

---------------------

I was getting ready to go outside. To go for a walk to clear my head, because I needed some time to think. Being trapped in the same house as that ninja made me feel like I could barely breathe.

Then I heard the thud.

It wasn't like hearing strange and somewhat random noises was new to me. After being on the journey for this long, it was something that was half-expected. The strange part was that the ninja was the only one there other than myself, and a noise like that had never come from him before.

Even though I hated him, and I _did_ hate him, something struck a chord of curiosity inside of me and I found myself walking towards the room in which he was staying. Sliding the door open, I was met with the sight of him slumped against the wall, empty bottles all around.

Predictable.

As I turned to walk away, not caring to stay in the room any longer, his voice rang out and stopped me in my tracks.

"Wait."

His tone was different then I remembered it being … he wasn't one to get drunk, but I could already detect the unmistakable wavering and slight slur of someone who was directly under the influence. I still don't know why I turned around, or what possessed me to walk into the room. Maybe I wasn't thinking, maybe it was only the fact that he was intoxicated that told me it was safe.

"What?"

He sat up slightly, moving his broad shoulders back into a comfortable sitting position, and for the first time in what felt like a long time looked directly at me. Something about those eyes shot a chill directly down my spine. But no, that wasn't the only thing that was wrong here. A single tear, small and almost invisible, was making it's way down his face. Anyone else could have easily missed it, but I still noted every detail about him. He had never cried. After all of the time we had been together, I had never once seen him shed even one tear. And for some reason, it left me oddly satisfied.

That feeling didn't last very long.

We stayed like that for at least three full minutes, just staring at each other. Long enough for the drop to finish it's mission, landing on the fabric below and creating a small, dark dot. And then, it happened.

His strong arms reached out towards me, and I didn't even have a chance to recoil before they were around me, pulling me to him and crushing me against his chest in an embrace. What was he doing? Why would he do this? Why would he grab me and restrain me in such a way? My eyes were wide, and no matter how much my mind screamed at me to get out of this, my body was frozen in shock.

It was nothing compared to the words that left his lips next. Even in his drunken slur, I understood every bit.

"I love you."

If there was ever a time that I felt like nothing around me was real, this was definitely it. Everything about this situation was wrong. Everything. And I wasn't about to let his drunken ramblings sway my actions, or the shell that I had placed around my heart. I simply sat there, allowing him to hold onto me until he eventually lost consciousness, and then I pushed him down, still not believing what had just happened.

It doesn't make sense. He never got drunk, he never cried. He wasn't supposed to feel bad. He wasn't supposed to be sad, I was. So why was couldn't I get the images of his face out of my mind? No, not his face … his eyes. Those damn eyes. I couldn't escape from them. They wouldn't lie to me, and I knew that. But still, I couldn't believe that he could even begin to understand what he had done to me.

He was an idiot. But worst of all, he was lying. He was only saying that because of the alcohol coursing through his veins, and I had yet to fathom why that was hurting me more than anything else.

"Don't toy with me," I heard myself whisper, even though I knew he was far past being able to hear me.

I didn't care. I didn't.

------------------------

At first, I didn't remember anything when I woke up.

I found myself on the floor, and didn't remember how I had gotten there. I saw the bottles around me, and the realization of why a throbbing sensation had started up in my right temple finally hit me. The memories were coming back, hazy at first, but then almost clear as day.

That one phrase could have changed everything.

But obviously, it changed nothing. He was still as cold and as distant as he was the moment he had awakened that day, and now it was obvious that there was nothing I could do to change it. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, it was impossible.

How do you change someone who has given up on everything? How do you change someone who wishes so desperately for their own death, who wants nothing more than to be nonexistent? How can you possibly change someone who has given up on their own life? Maybe the answer is a simple one.

Maybe, no matter how much we don't want to believe it, it's just that easy.

Maybe you don't.

------------------

Forced confrontation wasn't something that happened very often with us.

But today, everything seemed to be taking a turn for the worst.

I was walking down the hallway, planning on going into the room that I shared with the princess for some much needed alone time. Low and behold, just as my hand reached the door, I heard another opening.

Cursing my curiosity, I couldn't stop myself from turning, even though I knew full well who it was. Of course he was standing there in the doorway, looking like the idiot that he was as he stared right at me. When his eyes met mine, all that I could think of was the expression they had sported the night before, but I tried to shake that from my memory.

And then, just like that, as though we hadn't even made eye contact, the ninja began to walk away.

I didn't even know what was happening. His name left my lips, along with the two words I never thought I would hear myself saying to him.

"I'm sorry."

He froze, his back turned towards me so that I could only imagine the expression on his face at that moment. It felt as though time was standing still, as though everything had stopped, and my breath had caught in my throat. How had I allowed myself to say such a thing?

I hadn't even realized that I was staring at the ground, unable to look at him. If I looked at him, I would have to see those red eyes…

"You don't want to love me."

It was as if my mouth had a mind of it's own, speaking the words before my brain and common sense had a chance to reject them. But maybe I wanted to say these things. I didn't know anymore. He had confused me more with one phrase than anyone ever had before.

It had to have been a lie.

"You idiot." He was speaking, his voice taking on that rough tone, as always, the slightest hint of a growl pushing through. And then, those arms were around me again, and for the shortest of moments, I didn't care.

"If you want me to leave, just say so."

I was shaking my head, although I didn't know why.

"No. I don't want you to leave."

The smallest silence between us, and I was cursing myself for even speaking to him. I had to distance myself, there was no other way. I couldn't let him break the shell.

"Then what do you want from me?"

He was close, but I couldn't allow it to happen.

"Nothing."

My voice rang out and it seemed that an eternity passed before I finished, pushing him away from me and turning my back on him.

"Nothing at all."


End file.
